Sex Toys That Work!

They’re either the best money you ever spent or chucked in the bin after five frustrating minutes. Help on how to choose between a cone, contour or classic – and whether a butterfly, rabbit or  duck will work for you!

A world without vibrators would be a very, very sad place. So sad, in fact, I think if I stood at the gates of heaven, peered in and didn’t see any, I’d be hot-footing it downstairs. (Especially since downstairs also has lots of forked, lashing tongues!) I suspect I’m not alone. The female fascination with all things that vibrate starts early – as the creators of the now infamous Harry Potter toy broom can testify. An electronic version, the Nimbus 2000 was invented for children to ‘ride’ around on, presumably pretending they were Harry, off on an exciting adventure. Since it vibrated and was stuck between the legs, young girls had many exciting adventures indeed! (So did Mummy, judging by the glowing reviews.) The Nimbus got taken off the market the minute manufacturers (doh!) figured exactly why it was going on but the soaring sales tell their own story.

More than one in five adults globally, according to the most recent Durex sex survey, have used a vibrator. Millions are sold per year in most Western countries and the choice is both vast and mind-boggling. Today’s vibrators don’t just vibrate, they rotate, penetrate, swirl, lick and seek out parts our parents didn’t know existed. They come disguised as bedside lamps, flashlights, lipstick, mobile phones, ipods and rubber duckies. There are toys for our mouths, bottoms, breasts, nipples, penises, perineum’s, vaginas, clitorises and urethras. There are vibrators so small you can lose them in your handbag and so big, they look like a rolling pin. Whenever I pull my old faithful - a rather large ‘back massager’ - from its hiding place, I think of my brother. Not in that way, but because he saw it once and when I explained what it was he looked at me with eyes so wide with horror I knew he was thinking ‘My sister’s going to end up in the Guinness Book of Records for something I won’t want to know about’. ‘Jesus Christ, you could dig up a road with that!’ he said. He relaxed a little when I patiently explained it was for external use but I still see him eyeing me suspiciously now and then.

Apart from possibly my traumatised brother, sex toys are no longer perceived as the pathetic plaything of the ‘nymphomaniac’ (read ‘a woman who wants sex more than he does’), desperately dateless or ‘perverted’. They’re now so mainstream, any female who doesn’t own some type of vibrator is thought of as, well, slightly odd. Sex therapists regularly prescribe vibrators to patients as they remain the easiest, most effective way to bring women to orgasm.  Why? The clitoris loves consistent, intense stimulation and nothing provides that more efficiently than a vibrator. Hands and tongues don’t even get a look in (and penises, don’t even get a mention). For most women, nothing – not even damn good oral sex - can bring us to orgasm quicker than a vibrator. And since the path to orgasm for women is sometimes so bloody long we feel like donning pilgrim sandals and a robe for the journey, anything that speeds up the process isn’t appreciated, it’s worshipped.

If you’ve never had an orgasm, your best possible chance is with a vibrator. If you’ve never had an orgasm with your partner, the best possible way is to introduce your vibrator into bed with the two of you. If you’ve never had an orgasm during penetration, it’s a vibrator that will get you there. ‘But, it’s my secret!’, I can hear you shriek, ‘I don’t think he’d handle it!’. I’m with the world famous sexologist Betty Dodson who said if a man can’t handle seeing you use a vibrator, keep the vibrator and ditch the man. As for the suggestion that having orgasms via a vibrator is somehow ‘cheating’, hello! So is wearing mascara! Why do we put our perishables in a fridge rather than stick them in the coolest part of the kitchen, hoping for the best? Because the fridge is about twenty billion trillion times more effective. It’s called progress. Yes you should mix up your orgasm techniques by using your fingers and his tongue but let’s not be silly.
There are so many different types of sex toys on the market, it’s impossible to tell you the pros and cons of each one. So I’ve picked what I think are the best - those that really will improve your sex life - and ignored those that are terrific fun for about five minutes, then end up chucked in the back of a drawer.

VIBRATORS THAT WORK:
Electric massagers. They never, ever run out of power, they’re a one time investment (I’ve had mine for 15 years), the vibration is steady, consistent and teeth-chatteringly strong – hell, you can even pretend it really is for your shoulders! The only negative is that some people freak out because you plug them into the wall. I don’t get it. We hold steaming hot hair straighteners with bare hands and apply them perilously close to our scalp and ears and it never occurs to us to worry about being electrocuted. Electric vibrators were invented before irons and vacuum cleaners! (Good to see someone had their priorities right!) I think they’ve possibly ironed out any problems by now, don’t you? Unless you plug it in while in the bath, I am promise you will not electrocute yourself. The Hitachi Magic Wand is the most popular vibrator in the world. If women were mysteriously dying in their bedrooms, legs askew and their vibrator lying beside them, I think we’d have heard about it by now. For fabulous external genital stimulation or if you secretly feel a bit smutty using sex toys, this reassuringly medical-looking number can’t be beaten.
Bullet vibes: They look like large tampons, are often made of metal and sit snugly between the vaginal lips providing strong clitoral stimulation. They’re also perfect for caressing nipples, around the rim of your bottom –anywhere you fancy a bit of a buzz really. Add perfect portability, sleek and sexy designs and you’ll understand why they’ve shot to the top of the bestseller list.
Classic or ‘torpedo’ shaped vibes: Remember the cheap, nasty black things you used to find rolling around in your Mum’s beside table? That’s what these are – slim, cylindrical with a rounded top - except now they look and perform way better. They’re still cheap, the shape carries vibration well so they’re strong and best of all, they’re couple friendly. They’re small but look enough like a penis for him to convince himself this must be her idea of the ‘perfect’ penis size. It’s size also makes it fairly non-intrusive to hold between you and on her clitoris during intercourse but big enough to hit the target if he’s a fumbler.
Best of the rest….Contour vibes fit in the palm of your hand and are curved to cover more of the labial area. They’re gentle, discrete in shape and will suit you if your clitoris is sensitive. The rabbit is still one of the most popular vibes sold even if most women turn it around and just use the clitoral attachment. Such is a shame when the shaft works so hard, whirling and twirling in dizzy circles, little beads rotating busily inside to provide maximum vaginal enjoyment. The little rabbit ‘ears’ vibrate madly to tickle your clitoris at the same time. No wonder Charlotte didn’t leave the house for weeks. Finger vibes are a great option for travel, a solo ‘quickie’ orgasm whenever and wherever you feel like it plus they’re non intrusive and completely non-threatening for him, if you’re using it as a couple. Butterfly vibrators with harnesses are ingenious inventions. A small vibrator nestles inside a jelly butterfly shaped sleeve. Position this on top of your clitoris then use the straps, that go around both legs, to hold it in place. Turn it on and the butterfly wings flutter over your clitoris. The main advantage is that it’s hands-free so you can leave it in place during intercourse. Extra stimulation sorted and especially popular with him because he can close his eyes and pretend it’s his penis alone that’s making you moan like that. U-shaped rocking vibrators deserve a mention for girlies who like penetration, G-spot stimulation and clitoral stimulation simultaneously. You insert the curved end and aim toward your G-spot, the other ridged end sits close to your clitoris, allowing the little bullet vibe on the end to do its stuff. Rock it back and forward using your palm. G-spot vibes and dildos are longer than normal (you need freakishly long fingers to get there) and have a curve to get it in just the right spot. You need quite firm pressure to stimulate the area, so some come with a bulbous end or ridge. They’re also ideal to use on him to stimulate his G-spot, the prostate gland. The Cone was touted to be most fun invention since the Space Hopper back in the 70s. You sit or squat over it and enjoy vibration over the urethra (U spot), clitoris and a good-sized area of the rest of the labia. Brilliant results, just don’t try to walk afterward. The squatting bit’s inspired but not terribly comfy. Still worth a go though. Horny as hell but left your vibrator behind? DIY vibrators include electric toothbrushes, the washing machine on spin cycle, vibrating phones, strategic positioning over the strongest jet in the hot tub….

HOW TO BUY A VIBRATOR
What do you want to use it for? The shape you’ll choose depends on whether you want penetration or just clitoral stimulation. (Hopefully, I don’t need to point out that the ones that look like penises are supposed to go inside.) If you want both simultaneously, try a rabbit with vibrating ‘ears’ or a U-shaped rocking vibrator. You may need more than one vibe. If you want to use it for anal and vaginal penetration, you’ll probably need different sizes.
When are you going to use it? And don’t say ‘When I feel like having an orgasm’, I mean do you want to travel with it (you’d be amazing how much room a rabbit takes and how a cute little bullet slides into your handbag)? Who’s going to be within earshot? Does it need to be super quiet so flatmates can’t hear it? Do you have kids and need it ‘disguised’? I’m not a huge fan of ‘novelty’ vibrators designed to look like lipstick but a ‘back’ massager type is a good option. By the way, be wary of the top end designer vibes that are designed to look like pebbles and such. They look beautiful and some are OK but others have such weak vibration you’d have better luck having an orgasm by getting a real pebble out of the garden and rubbing it to and fro.
How strong is it? I’d opt for one that’s stronger than you need and keep it on low setting. You can calm it down by putting a T-shirt between you and it or hold your hand over it so your hand absorbs excessive vibration. Here’s why: a few drinks doesn’t just make your brain pleasantly numb, it does the same to other parts. Nothing more frustrating than tottering home from a great girls’ night out to find you can’t even feel your vibrator, let alone orgasm from it.
How much should you spend? You can be lucky and pick up a cheap classic vibe for a couple of quid and have happy endings till you’re 80. Some fall apart after about two uses. If you use a good, reputable site (see my favourites on pX), they will refund your cash if you aren’t happy. (You can try any of my range at www.traceycox.com and return them if you don’t like it, for instance.) Otherwise, I’d stick to one of the top four faves – bullet, classic, massager or rabbit and buy the best in the range you can afford. Apart from batteries, it’s a one-off cost and what price can you put on a lifetime of effortless orgasms? 
Where to buy them? Going to a sex shop is always a giggle but for the best selection, price and privacy, go online to one of the big retailers (like lovehoney.com). If you can’t wait, pop down to any department store, stand beside the nice lady tossing up between the two or four slice toaster in the electrical department, and innocently pick up a gloriously powerful ‘back massager’.

TOYS FOR YOUR BOTTOM (THAT WON’T MAKE YOU RUN AWAY)
Even those who enjoy (or quite fancy) a finger up their bottom, often baulk at the thought of an anal sex toy. But there’s nothing less threatening – and cuter – than the uni-sex butt plug. Why would you want one? Well, instead of inserting that finger and losing the use of a whole hand that could be doing other stuff, the butt plug goes in and stays in. So you’ve got hands and fingers to put in other pies. Some plugs vibrate to tease the ultra sensitive nerve endings inside the anus, others just sit there quietly but no less effectively doing the job by using pure pressure (corkscrew plugs are twisted for extra sensation). Butt plugs and anal dildos have flared ends or a base. You don’t have to be a doctor in a hospital emergency ward to figure out why – or maybe you do, given the number of anal ‘accidents’. Unlike the vagina, which has an ‘end’, the rectum leads to the intestine that’s five feet long. In other words, it’s a bit far to stick your fingers up to retrieve something that’s gone missing. Adding lubrication is a good idea with all sex toys but essential with anal toys because the rectum isn’t self lubricating. Use a thick, high quality lube and don’t be stingy.

STOCK UP YOUR TOY CHEST WITH:
• The basics: Condoms, lube (flavoured, silicone and heavy duty for anal), scarves and old stockings to use for blindfolds and tie-ups, gorgeous lingerie (slutty and sweet), erotic magazines and DVDs, massage oils, candles.
• Comfy handcuffs if you love bondage.
• Dress-up outfits if you’re into role-play.
• Vibes to hold on her clitoris during penetration or to add an extra buzz (sorry, couldn’t resist) to oral sex. Finger vibes are versatile and great for nipples, clitorises and around the outside of bottom openings. Also invest in what’s called a ‘classic vibe’ – the old fashioned style, a simple, slim cylinder. They’re a good size to hang onto but not too big to be intrusive between the two of you.
• Whips and riding crops: Rubber whips look fierce but are incredibly soft, giving a satisfying swish but landing like a kiss. If you want more, choose one made from soft, light leather. Riding crops make a more sinister slapping sound, which adds to the naughtiness but again, they don’t actually hurt.
• Love eggs: Slip these smooth, super-effective egg-shaped vibrators inside her for deliciously discreet vibrations. Double the pleasure by using fingers (or his tongue) simultaneously on the clitoris. Men love watching things disappear inside women– and not just his penis! Let him insert the egg and take control of the vibrations, as you lie back and enjoy electrifying oral sex.

TOP IT UP WITH:
• Vibrating penis rings: Often rubber, these slide over an erect penis where they sit snugly at the base. Position the little vibrator so it makes contact with the clitoris once you’ve penetrated, then use a grinding, circular motion to maintain pressure. Good quality rings really do up her chances of climaxing during penetration.
• Pelvic floor toners are a good idea post-pregnancy or if you’re worried you’re not tight enough. You don’t need a toner to do kegel exercises but leave one lying around where you can see it, might make you feel guilty enough to actually do them! Toners tend to either look like set of kitchen tongs that you squeeze shut with your vaginal muscles or like little barbells that you squeeze against.
• Hands-free ‘intercourse’ vibes: At the time of writing, the We-Vibe, a vibe you insert and leave in during intercourse, was selling so fast, the manufacturers could hardly keep up with demand. I love them – though I have to say, the vote isn’t unanimous. Insert the slender end of the C-shaped vibe into the vagina and it magically opens into an ‘L’shape with the clitoral pad ending up against the clitoris. He then penetrates. The bit that’s inserted is just the right shape to stimulate the G-sport and both ends vibrate so you’ve got vibration on your clitoris and front vaginal wall as well as penetrative stimulation as his penis moves in and out. Few men can feel it, those that do say it’s not unpleasant.  Another hands-free option is to try a vibe that sits on top of the clitoris, held in place by straps that go around both her legs. The most famous is the butterfly, named so because the vibe sits inside a jelly ‘butterfly’. These never really flew off the shelves (oops, another pun!) probably because women felt a bit silly wearing the harness. Worth a whirl if you (wisely) don’t care.